The Art of Swallowing Your Pride (Or one girl's constant NOTE TO SELF)

So hard to master, isn't it? Yet such a necessary part of life in so many ways. If everyone remained prideful bull-heads... there would be no functioning relationships. From friends, to co-workers to parent and child. Taking that pride and shoving it where the sun don't shine.....it really is a burden that all of us have to bear at some point. As much as we would like to believe otherwise, we all must do it.  Not only that, we must learn when, how, and how much of this pride we should swallow. Truly an art. And unfortunately one that doesn't get enough credit. More unfortunate, is that there are so few who recognize the necessity of the occasional pride swallowing. These are the types (yup, I'm talking to you) that never back down, never admit defeat, never say die!! All great character traits if you are the hero in an action flick, but here in the real world of human interaction, your life is bound to get pretty difficult pretty fast with that attitude. Sure, you may be able to find some people to surround yourself with who are masters of the art. In fact, they may be a little too good at it, habitually compensating for all of the pride-swallowing you refuse to do. Not only are these types of relationships not fair or healthy, but it is the kind of set-up that fosters resentment and anger and hurt feelings and guilt. You know, all the fun emotions! Ask yourself this: How much are you really gaining by keeping your pride in a vice grip? It really does take a great deal of energy to squeeze that hard, you know. Much more energy, in fact, than just giving in and relenting every now and again . Would it really kill you to (GASP!) try admitting when you are wrong? Or (DOUBLE GASP!) just let it go even when you are right? I guess it may feel like a pretty big deal because you, like so many out there, grew up in a state of constant combat. Always waging a war with something.  I know that you lived in a home where you fought to be heard, fought to be understood, fought to be loved, fought to maintain some semblance of control over your own life. I know you battled because you felt that things weren't fair (and you are right, sometimes they weren't). I realize that you battled because any victory, no matter how tiny, came to feel so important in a world where you felt so insignificant. I am here to tell you that THINGS HAVE CHANGED. You no longer have to live in a perpetual state of war. It is not necessary to feel like you always have something to prove. You don't need to use these meaningless conquests as a measure of your worth. You never really did. I know that when you are young and rely on being cared for by others, you have little say over your life and what happens in it, but now you have the final say. The need to come out on top may have felt like the world to you back then. And in all honesty, it probably had its purpose in protecting you during a time when you were so vulnerable to defeat. But the fact of the matter is that this once-handy tool is no longer serving you well. You have outgrown it, it has become an unnecessary crutch, and it is hindering you from your ultimate goal of being the best version of yourself. It is time to leave it in the past where it belongs. From this day forward you must practice the art of swallowing your pride, at least some of the time. At least during those moments where it really doesn't matter. And I am going to tell you right now- more often than not, it doesn't matter. I want you to focus on things that are important, on things that add value to your life. If you think that you must fight for something that will be a meaningful part of your world, by all means do so. But if you are struggling for no good reason, I want you to give yourself a swift kick in the pants and just move along. Don't worry, it will get easier the more you do it. You will soon see that it is not the matter of life and death that you once believed it was. It will take you some time, but I know you can do it. When it gets rough and you feel your old ways creeping back up on you, just remember that no one is keeping score. Remember that you are not the small person that you once were, having to always be on the defense, ready to switch to the offense. You now get to chose who you surround yourself with, and you are surrounded by people who want to lift you up rather than tear you down. The least you can do to repay this kindness is to open up, take a big gulp, and swallow some of that damn pride!

Digging for Diamonds in a Landfill...

That's what I do. A lot. I dig through steaming piles of filthy, stinking garbage and hope against hope to find a shiny rock. Its been my thing for as long as I remember, its just what I do. I pick apart the carcass of something dreadful until I find the one remaining piece of good, the lesson to be learned, the silver lining lingering around. Most likely a coping mechanism developed in my younger days, and I must say that as far as coping mechanisms go, I chose a good one. I decided at an early age to pull myself out of my despair, rather than to drown in it. Not to say that I don't get down. Oh, believe me I most certainly do. Kind of inevitable being a human and all. But I guess I just don't like way that dwelling feels. It feels like.... well it feels like dwelling. As soon as I feel myself succumbing to that oh so tempting self-pity, its like an automatic pep-talk plays in my head. "You are stronger than this. This isn't you. There are so many people who have it worse." And what then?  I seek a solution, a way to make it better. And as I've come to discover, more often than not, there IS a solution (although it may not come easily, and it may require some seriously creative thinking). It isn't always an easy mentality to have but it is mine all the same, whether I like it or not, for better and for (more importantly) worse.
 This philosophy gets a little tricky when it comes to other people, I have come to discover.  Why? Well that's easy; because I can't ever fully control another's behavior, I can not force them to adhere to my well-thought out solutions to their problems. Because guess what? Yup. They are THEIR problems. Also, sometimes shit just....happens. It turns out the simple saying holds some pretty deep wisdom.  There will always be something that is out of my hands. There are some things that I have absolutely no control of, regardless of how much I long for it to be so. There are some things that are dead ends. Like when people refuse to take responsibility, when they refuse to understand, or worse- when they die.
 I have no problem finding positivity where you could never imagine it hides. I am capable of seeing good in the most unimaginable circumstances. My glass is full, I won't let it be empty. I can make lemonade when all I get are a bunch of damn lemons. But the rotten, unusable ones that are sure to poison me..... I can't fuckin throw them away either. And that, friends, is where the battle lies. My ability to decipher what is worth believing in, and what I must let go for my own well-being, is clouded. My gauge for what constitutes an actual diamond can be way off. And then there is that other pesky fact I must learn to face: sometimes there are no diamonds to be found, no matter how hard or long you look. Sometimes what you see is what you get, and the only thing filling a landfill really is just trash.