Shut Up and Smell the Coffee (Yet Another Note to Self)

I admit it. I'm a talker. I will go so far as to say that there are times when I talk too much. In fact, most of the time I talk too much. It has always been this way. The only way I can think to explain it is that I have so many thoughts and ideas and words tumbling and colliding around in my brain, that I need to release them to give myself some kind of relief. Sometimes, talking is my way of handling social anxiety. (Yes, even chatterboxes like myself get social anxiety). Rather than clam up and remain silent when meeting new people, I tend to be the one filling even tiny silences because God forbid they become awkward ones! Even talking as much as I do does not fully quiet the chaos of my thoughts. (Hence, the writing). There have been countless times with my name on the board in elementary, endless "shhhhhhh's" and "be quiets." There's even been a few "shut up's" here and there. None of it has ever stopped me. I just keep on talkin. It has always been something that I accepted about myself, but lately I have been wondering if acceptance of this trait is really such a good thing after all. What has been eating at me is not my inability to stop talking so damn much. What has begun to creep its way into my thoughts is that perhaps all of this chattering is preventing me from being a good listener. (*She says with a shudder*)

This epiphany is quite the blow to my womanhood you see, as we are supposed to be all nurturing and supportive and what-not. But really. Is it possible for me to really be a good listener when I am always jabbering away? I feel like I am a good listener. Sure, I may always have some input to offer. I may always feel the need to put in my shiny 2 cents. But I am listening to what the person is saying. I am engaged in the conversation and my eye contact and head nods should show that, right? Some people think its enough. But really, logically, when I spend most of my time talking, isn't that taking away from the time I spend listening? As much as I feel like I am comprehending and acknowledging all of the thoughts and feelings of the person I am conversing with, am I really being an active listener? The kind of listener who isn't sitting there thinking of the next thing they want to add to the conversation? The kind who doesn't feel the need to chime in about how they handled a similar situation? The kind who can give undivided attention, and focus solely on what the other is saying rather than focusing on the internal swirl of thoughts going on inside of their own head? If I am being honest with myself (which I usually am, because otherwise whats the point), no not really. I am not that kind of listener.  I am not truly an active listener. And if I am just beginning to see this, then how many in my life have already realized it long ago, and have just come to accept it as part of the Venus Beaver package? Oh, the horror!

Seriously though, the horror. I have no desire to be that self-absorbed a-hole that can't let someone else have their moment in the conversational sun. I don't want to be that annoying douche-bag who just enjoys the sound of their own voice. Dear God! Am I that annoying freak that people roll their eyes at each other about when she walks into the room?!?!? (Woah, woah there social anxiety!) The bottom line is that I really don't want to come across as any of these things. Yet, by running my damn mouth and not stopping to let others run theirs, isn't that exactly what I am doing?  Something must be done to stop me!

Oh.
That something is me?
You sure there isn't some kind of pill I can just take?
Fine.

Well, as they say... admitting it is the first step, right? And somewhere down that list of recovery steps is making amends. So let me take this opportunity to do just that. To anyone who has ever felt over-run by my loud mouth; My bad. To anyone who has ever gotten the feeling that I wasn't really paying attention; I apologize. To anyone who has ever just wanted to scream in my face, "Just shut the F*#K UP!! Shut the F%&K UPPPP!!!" I think you may have some serious anger issues to deal with. And also, I'm sorry. Forgive me because I knew not what I had done. But now, I have made myself aware and now I am actively trying to be an ACTIVE listener. It may take me some time, because like all of us I am a work in progress, but from this day forward I will go into each day with my ears open and my mouth closed by golly!!

And since everyone who knows me knows that the closed mouth part will never truly happen, the best we can hope for is the open ears. Wish me luck and feel free to shut me up.