My Meandering Mothering Mind

*It truly amazes me the number of people who will watch me struggle with a double stroller and a door, offering no help whatsoever. I find myself praying there will be someone coming in or out of said door, so they will be forced to hold it open for me. Were people always assholes and I just never noticed it until I had kids?

*If I had a nickle for every time I said "No!" or "Don't touch that!" or ""Shhhh the babies are sleeping!" I could make a pretty heavy sack of nickles which, if used properly, would be a much more effective way of getting what I want.

No I'm not advocating violence of any kind. I'm simply pointing out that a heavy sack of nickles could easily slow a few little people down.

*Yes. They are twins. No they aren't identical. Yes. They are both girls. No. It doesn't run in my family. No. I didn't have any help from the many technological advancements in the field of reproductive health to aid me in having them. No. I can't believe you actually asked me that extremely personal question. You don't know how I do it? Well, its obviously because I'm THE SHIT. Yes, genius. I have my hands full. FULL OF BLESSINGS.

I'm making that into a t-shirt ^

*Airlines, some of you have begun implementing "baby free quiet zones" on airplanes, and people are pushing for kid-free flights. Awesome. Hows about you offer "assholes who apparently have never had, nor were ever a kid themselves-free flights." While I will admit that flying with a screaming infant is not ideal, neither is having people glare at and judge you, while you are trying to comfort a screaming infant.

While you are at it, airlines, how about making some flights that are "kid friendly." Play a damn cartoon, give some flippin crayons, provide a space to change a poop-ridden diaper mid-flight. Damn.

*Sleep you tiny, stubborn little creatures!!! For the love of God SLEEP!!!!

*Someone please explain to me how some of these women drop their kids off at school looking like they just stepped out of a magic f'ing beauty maker machine. I can barely get my kid to school looking like a human being and not a terrifying reptilian creature. Shiiiit.

*Everyone has their own ways of raising kids. So listen, pushy unwanted advice givers.... You may think that your way is the best way, the ONLY way, but really its not. Kids are different, families are different. Different strokes for different folks, nahmean? So kindly back the F up. Thanks.

Oh dear God I truly hope I've never come across as one of those people ^

*Its amazing how long reverse psychology can work on a kid.

Hell, it still works on most adults.

*The moment you realize your child is actually making sense when they argue is a horrifying moment.

*No matter how many times my children wake me in the night crying, throw up on me, throw fits and tell me I'm the worst mom ever, make me repeat everything a billion times, poop everywhere, cry and whine and whine and cry, won't eat their vegetables, won't brush their teeth or clean up their toys or GO THE F TO SLEEP...... Seeing their innocent gummy little smile, or their proud toothless little smile is enough to melt my damn heart every time. Slate clean. Well played, little ones. Well played.

*I'm a sucker for any baby product that has even the slightest potential of making my life easier in some way.

*There's nothing like seeing your worst character traits played out before you live and in person. Our kids are the best mirrors of who we really are. Mirrors who poop on our new bedspread and barf on our favorite sweater.

*Having twins was like becoming a celebrity over night. Everywhere I go, people stare and stop me. Its kinda awesome, I ain't gonna lie. Unless its an "I look like shit day." In that case, not awesome at all.

*It really does take a village to raise a child. Well, maybe not an entire village. I mean, we don't even really have villages around here. Actually, come to think of it, living in a village sounds pretty cool. I mean, sure, everyone would know your business, and gossip would inevitably be a big issue, but imagine having little bakeries and a blacksmith and everyone walking around smiling and greeting each other like at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast. Well, minus the beast and that annoying douche bag Gaston. Ugh that guy was so annoying. Every time I see how mean he is to the beast I just wanna...

Oh, my meandering mind... *sigh*

In the Moment

"Life passes most people by while they are busy making grand plans for it."

I used to consider myself a spontaneous person. If someone suggested something, chances are I was down. Spur of the moment trip? Sure! Last minute change of plans? No biggie. I was a self-proclaimed free spirit, always teetering on the edge of one change or another. I embraced these changes, held my arms open wide to new things. This mentality led me to many great experiences and fun times in my life. It also led me to many a bad situation. Trying new things sometimes meant trying bad new things. And constant change often meant constant instability and irresponsibility. Ironically the spontaneous, free part of me is usually what held me back in my life. Although I prided myself on my go-where-the-wind-takes-me attitude, on a deeper level I longed for stability.

Now, I would be a big fat liar if I told you I was a spontaneous person. Really, these days I am anything but spontaneous. What happened? Well, kids happened. Having kids is a sure-fire way to zap all of the spontaneouty out of a person. Spur of the moment trip? Ha ha ha ha ha. Excuse me. Its just laughable that I would ever dream to be able to do something like that now. I have bottles and onsies and wipes and excessive amounts of diapers to pack. Baby carriers and blankets and extra clothes and God forbid I forget anyone's favorite stuffed animal. Everyone has to be fed, and changed and bladders empty before we hit the road, and leaving at nap time would sure make my life a whole lot easier because a couple of us really don't like our car seats. Did I mention that this is just a trip to the park?

I have become a master at pre-planning and strategizing to ensure we end up on the path of least resistance in any situation that may arise. I can multi-task like nobody's business and I am now always a couple steps ahead of the game. This has transformed me into a pretty darn responsible gal. I am more stable in my life than I have ever been. That's what I wanted, right? There is just one problem with my new-found-super-calculating-mega-mind: I can't turn it off. I have become so used to organizing my life into neat little blocks of time where everything is accounted for and planned, that I forget to stop and actually enjoy the result of all my hard work. Take the park, for instance. Beautiful day, a nice little picnic set up, kids happy, all is well. And there I sit, unable to fully engage with my daughter who is showing me a cool new trick on the slide. Why? Because I am busy thinking about what my next move will be. When would it be a good time to feed everyone? If we leave at this time, I can do this when I get home. If we leave at that time, will everyone be too tired? What should I make for dinner tomorrow (because tonight is already planned of course). Sometimes I catch myself. And I try so hard to just, as they say, live in the moment. I am able to do it for a bit but sure enough, that running commentary is always playing in the back of my mind like white noise. Before I know it I am back to arranging and organizing and formulating plans again.

I'm tired.

Being this way is draining. It takes a lot out of someone when their mind is all over the place. It has also made me into someone I never intended nor desired to be. I am now that uptight person who I could never relate to. I am that person who I was so glad I was not. I have moved from one end of the spectrum to the other, and neither one serve me well in my life. More importantly, I don't believe either of these extremes serve my children well. Yes, all of my careful concocting is what ultimately makes our house run smoothly (most of the time) and is what gets shit done. Someone has to make the rules, and someone has to maintain order after all. Of course I no longer have the option of going where the wind takes me, because I have a trail of little people who depend on me for their every need following close behind. These little people thrive on routine and consistency. They deserve to feel stable and grounded, and it is my duty as their caretaker to provide that. BUT... They also deserve to have some damn fun! What good is all of my hard work if I never actually take the time to enjoy it? They (I) need to learn to be flexible so they (I) are more able to handle the many curve balls life is destined to throw at them (me), rather than feeling the need to stick to a rigid time schedule that plans every aspect of their (my) lives. They (I) need to see their mother, their model, able to actually take part in what is going on around her rather than living inside of her head where she is busy with the future. Whats more, they (I) need to really understand that we aren't even guaranteed the future. We are only promised this moment. If life has taught me anything, it has taught me that. Now I must use my hard-won knowledge and treat the present like the gift that it truly is.

Progress

Baby steps baby steps.
Just continue to step.
One step forward.
And another back.
Just continue to step.
Mountain.
Climb it.
Fall.
Get up.
Just continue to step.
Obstacles everywhere.
Yourself included.
Just continue to step.
Tired.
Can't breathe.
Can't go.
Want to let go.
Breathe.
Just continue to step.
Too much.
Too hard.
Too long.
Too bad.
STEP.
Baby steps baby steps.
Just
continue
to
step.