In the Moment

"Life passes most people by while they are busy making grand plans for it."

I used to consider myself a spontaneous person. If someone suggested something, chances are I was down. Spur of the moment trip? Sure! Last minute change of plans? No biggie. I was a self-proclaimed free spirit, always teetering on the edge of one change or another. I embraced these changes, held my arms open wide to new things. This mentality led me to many great experiences and fun times in my life. It also led me to many a bad situation. Trying new things sometimes meant trying bad new things. And constant change often meant constant instability and irresponsibility. Ironically the spontaneous, free part of me is usually what held me back in my life. Although I prided myself on my go-where-the-wind-takes-me attitude, on a deeper level I longed for stability.

Now, I would be a big fat liar if I told you I was a spontaneous person. Really, these days I am anything but spontaneous. What happened? Well, kids happened. Having kids is a sure-fire way to zap all of the spontaneouty out of a person. Spur of the moment trip? Ha ha ha ha ha. Excuse me. Its just laughable that I would ever dream to be able to do something like that now. I have bottles and onsies and wipes and excessive amounts of diapers to pack. Baby carriers and blankets and extra clothes and God forbid I forget anyone's favorite stuffed animal. Everyone has to be fed, and changed and bladders empty before we hit the road, and leaving at nap time would sure make my life a whole lot easier because a couple of us really don't like our car seats. Did I mention that this is just a trip to the park?

I have become a master at pre-planning and strategizing to ensure we end up on the path of least resistance in any situation that may arise. I can multi-task like nobody's business and I am now always a couple steps ahead of the game. This has transformed me into a pretty darn responsible gal. I am more stable in my life than I have ever been. That's what I wanted, right? There is just one problem with my new-found-super-calculating-mega-mind: I can't turn it off. I have become so used to organizing my life into neat little blocks of time where everything is accounted for and planned, that I forget to stop and actually enjoy the result of all my hard work. Take the park, for instance. Beautiful day, a nice little picnic set up, kids happy, all is well. And there I sit, unable to fully engage with my daughter who is showing me a cool new trick on the slide. Why? Because I am busy thinking about what my next move will be. When would it be a good time to feed everyone? If we leave at this time, I can do this when I get home. If we leave at that time, will everyone be too tired? What should I make for dinner tomorrow (because tonight is already planned of course). Sometimes I catch myself. And I try so hard to just, as they say, live in the moment. I am able to do it for a bit but sure enough, that running commentary is always playing in the back of my mind like white noise. Before I know it I am back to arranging and organizing and formulating plans again.

I'm tired.

Being this way is draining. It takes a lot out of someone when their mind is all over the place. It has also made me into someone I never intended nor desired to be. I am now that uptight person who I could never relate to. I am that person who I was so glad I was not. I have moved from one end of the spectrum to the other, and neither one serve me well in my life. More importantly, I don't believe either of these extremes serve my children well. Yes, all of my careful concocting is what ultimately makes our house run smoothly (most of the time) and is what gets shit done. Someone has to make the rules, and someone has to maintain order after all. Of course I no longer have the option of going where the wind takes me, because I have a trail of little people who depend on me for their every need following close behind. These little people thrive on routine and consistency. They deserve to feel stable and grounded, and it is my duty as their caretaker to provide that. BUT... They also deserve to have some damn fun! What good is all of my hard work if I never actually take the time to enjoy it? They (I) need to learn to be flexible so they (I) are more able to handle the many curve balls life is destined to throw at them (me), rather than feeling the need to stick to a rigid time schedule that plans every aspect of their (my) lives. They (I) need to see their mother, their model, able to actually take part in what is going on around her rather than living inside of her head where she is busy with the future. Whats more, they (I) need to really understand that we aren't even guaranteed the future. We are only promised this moment. If life has taught me anything, it has taught me that. Now I must use my hard-won knowledge and treat the present like the gift that it truly is.