My Meandering Mothering Mind

*It truly amazes me the number of people who will watch me struggle with a double stroller and a door, offering no help whatsoever. I find myself praying there will be someone coming in or out of said door, so they will be forced to hold it open for me. Were people always assholes and I just never noticed it until I had kids?

*If I had a nickle for every time I said "No!" or "Don't touch that!" or ""Shhhh the babies are sleeping!" I could make a pretty heavy sack of nickles which, if used properly, would be a much more effective way of getting what I want.

No I'm not advocating violence of any kind. I'm simply pointing out that a heavy sack of nickles could easily slow a few little people down.

*Yes. They are twins. No they aren't identical. Yes. They are both girls. No. It doesn't run in my family. No. I didn't have any help from the many technological advancements in the field of reproductive health to aid me in having them. No. I can't believe you actually asked me that extremely personal question. You don't know how I do it? Well, its obviously because I'm THE SHIT. Yes, genius. I have my hands full. FULL OF BLESSINGS.

I'm making that into a t-shirt ^

*Airlines, some of you have begun implementing "baby free quiet zones" on airplanes, and people are pushing for kid-free flights. Awesome. Hows about you offer "assholes who apparently have never had, nor were ever a kid themselves-free flights." While I will admit that flying with a screaming infant is not ideal, neither is having people glare at and judge you, while you are trying to comfort a screaming infant.

While you are at it, airlines, how about making some flights that are "kid friendly." Play a damn cartoon, give some flippin crayons, provide a space to change a poop-ridden diaper mid-flight. Damn.

*Sleep you tiny, stubborn little creatures!!! For the love of God SLEEP!!!!

*Someone please explain to me how some of these women drop their kids off at school looking like they just stepped out of a magic f'ing beauty maker machine. I can barely get my kid to school looking like a human being and not a terrifying reptilian creature. Shiiiit.

*Everyone has their own ways of raising kids. So listen, pushy unwanted advice givers.... You may think that your way is the best way, the ONLY way, but really its not. Kids are different, families are different. Different strokes for different folks, nahmean? So kindly back the F up. Thanks.

Oh dear God I truly hope I've never come across as one of those people ^

*Its amazing how long reverse psychology can work on a kid.

Hell, it still works on most adults.

*The moment you realize your child is actually making sense when they argue is a horrifying moment.

*No matter how many times my children wake me in the night crying, throw up on me, throw fits and tell me I'm the worst mom ever, make me repeat everything a billion times, poop everywhere, cry and whine and whine and cry, won't eat their vegetables, won't brush their teeth or clean up their toys or GO THE F TO SLEEP...... Seeing their innocent gummy little smile, or their proud toothless little smile is enough to melt my damn heart every time. Slate clean. Well played, little ones. Well played.

*I'm a sucker for any baby product that has even the slightest potential of making my life easier in some way.

*There's nothing like seeing your worst character traits played out before you live and in person. Our kids are the best mirrors of who we really are. Mirrors who poop on our new bedspread and barf on our favorite sweater.

*Having twins was like becoming a celebrity over night. Everywhere I go, people stare and stop me. Its kinda awesome, I ain't gonna lie. Unless its an "I look like shit day." In that case, not awesome at all.

*It really does take a village to raise a child. Well, maybe not an entire village. I mean, we don't even really have villages around here. Actually, come to think of it, living in a village sounds pretty cool. I mean, sure, everyone would know your business, and gossip would inevitably be a big issue, but imagine having little bakeries and a blacksmith and everyone walking around smiling and greeting each other like at the beginning of Beauty and the Beast. Well, minus the beast and that annoying douche bag Gaston. Ugh that guy was so annoying. Every time I see how mean he is to the beast I just wanna...

Oh, my meandering mind... *sigh*