A Day Like Today

I can still hear your voice and your laugh exactly the way that it was when you were still here. Sometimes I am glad for this, and sometimes the pain I feel remembering that voice is almost too much to stand. It hurts so much. Sometimes it really feels like a physical pain, missing someone so much. There really is not a lot of things worse than the feeling of missing someone who is dead. There is no hope of relieving the pain by seeing them, or hugging them or hearing their voice ever again. Its just done. My only hope is if I die, too I guess. And thats obviously not a good option. There are days when I take comfort in knowing you are around but I just can't see you. Most days, in fact I am comforted by this thought. These are the days that you feel very close, and it makes it easier to carry on. Then there are the days, like today where you seem so far away. You being invisibly around is not enough. I want to see YOU, dammit. I want to hug YOU and cry to YOU and tell YOU how much I miss you. Not the air around me. Because today it really just feels like air. Empty and hollow with no trace of you anywhere. Today is one of the days where I can't stop thinking about the fact that you actually DIED. You fuckin died and left us all here. You are in a better place, sure. But what about us? What about me? How can I ever really feel joy again without always feeling sad that you are not here to share it with? How can I ever stop being afraid that something is going to happen to someone else I love so much? How can I stop thinking about the way things might have been if you were still here? How can I stop these pitiful fantasies that refuse to stop playing in my head, of what our lives would have been and the things we would have done together and the conversations we were going to have and every other small thing that I stupidly took for granted when you WERE here. Is there ever going to be a time when this feeling will stop hitting me out of no where? Is there ever going to be a time where time will actually ease my pain? Is there ever going to be a time where I forget what your voice sounds like and what your laugh sounds like and all the facial expressions you would make? Because as painful as those memories can be, I don't think I could forgive myself if I ever forgot them. I am not sure I would be ok if I ever forgot them. Sometimes the things I tell myself to make myself feel better and to make it easier for me to keep going...they don't work. On those days I have no clue what I should do and where I should turn. Because the truth is, no one wants to be brought down by these things a year and a half later. No one really wants to hear my pain or see my tears. They will do it, because they love me. But they don't want to. Why would they? What is going to happen in 5 years, in 10? What if I am still like this? What if time just keeps making it worse, rather than better. Because honestly, the more time passes, the more I miss you. I guess the only thing I can hope for is that I don't forget your voice.