Don't Feed the Beast

A close friend of mine recently told me that her new goal was to "not engage." By this, she meant that she would no longer feed into other people's negativity, insecurities, or overall retardation by giving them the attention and validation that they so desperately seek. It was one of those things that was absolutely brilliant because of its simplicity. Something that was such an obvious solution to such an annoying problem that I often feel plagued with. Seriously. Why would I ever play a part in something that ultimately leaves me drained and feeling a little worse after I do it? Why sit there nodding my head in sympathy or feigned agreement as someone lays out a big ass buffet of their issues for me to share with them, with no real intention of trying to resolve any of them? Why even take one bite, when I know damn well its gonna make me sick sick sick?  How do these people trap me in their lair of self-pity, self-doubt, and above all, self-centered bullshit? And more importantly, why do I let myself keep getting sucked in? All I have to do is just....duh....not engage. Do not give them what they want, if what they want is to bring me to the no-fun place they are hanging out. You must think I am a terrible friend. One that hates to listen to my pal's problems? The kind that only wants to be around for the good stuff? Not true. I am more than willing and glad even, to be a supportive and caring friend. Especially during the hard times. After all, that is what a real friend does. I have no problem sharing others pain and find myself to be a pretty damn empathetic chick. Its just that I am more inclined to behave in this manner when I am dealing with someone who actually has a desire to come out of their dark place, rather than with someone who not only refuses to make any attempt at lifting themselves out of it, but has the intention of dragging me down with them. This is the running commentary going on in my head when I am in the presence of one of these unfortunate souls:

"Ugh. Here we go again."
"Really, though? We are going through this again?"
"Seriously? You want my advice? You sure you just don't want a person to vomit all of your toxic energy on? You sure you aren't just looking for someone to tell you that the way you are handling your shit is just dandy? Hunky dory? Peachy keen? Because guess what, dumb ass? YOU KNOW ITS NOT!!""
"OK. Maybe I am being too harsh. Maybe I should just hear you out. Maybe this time its different. Maybe this time you will get a clue."
"Nope. Not looking like that shits gonna happen."
"Listen bitch. I ain't got time for this shit. I have kids and dirty dishes and piles of laundry. A dog who I love but bless his soul he is ALWAYS IN MY WAY, kids, water and vegetables and fruits I am not consuming enough of, exercise I am constantly-thinking-about-but-never-actually doing, kids, and teeth that need brushing a minimum of 2 times a day. Bills that need paying, kids, rooms that constantly need cleaning, them groceries ain't gonna buy themselves you know, and damn if I'm not always feeding someone something. I've got aches and pains to deal with, some of them physical, most of them not, kids to deal with, stress to deal with, past and present issues to deal with, grief and loss to deal with, did I mention I have kids, and now I've got your stupid ass to deal with??"
"Oh. Hell. No."

Lets be realistic here. Of course I won't actually say these things out loud. As much as I would like to scream it from the rooftop, I just don't have it in me to be that callous. Maybe I can avoid these kinds all together? In a perfect world, yes, this is exactly what I would do. Since the world we live in is far from perfection, it is often unavoidable that I will be around this kind of noxious behavior. For it comes in the form of relatives, and co-workers, bosses and yes-even friends. If I could somehow get them to change their habit of dumping their crap on others, I would gladly do it. Alas, I learned long ago that you can never really make a person do anything, and the only one you can change is your own damn self.  But there is, as my ever-wise comrade pointed out, a sure-fire way to not subject myself to this torture any longer. Another way to perhaps preserve part of my sanity (yes, only part. See above reference to kids). There is one thing I can do, or rather not do, that will help ease my agitation and exasperation:  I can choose not to engage!! Because as I have also come to understand, everything is a choice. I can choose to only validate the things that I actually feel are worth validating. I can choose not to participate in the things that I feel are a waste of my time and energy (which as we established I have little to spare). I can choose to speak up and tell people what they need to hear rather than what they want to hear. I can choose to change the subject, and I can choose to walk away!! The beauty is that I can choose. And by making the choice not to feed the beast, I am choosing to put my focus on the things that really matter. Like say, for instance...... ME.