A Day in May

There was a time when I dreaded Mother's Day. In fact, I downright despised it. I considered that day a slap in the face, a glaring reminder of all that I lacked. It embarrassed me, that day. It caused me to feel excluded and even worse; pitied. Although no one ever came out and said it, I would always imagine people feeling sorry for me, the girl whose mom had abandoned her, the girl whose step-mom never allowed her to think of her as a mother, the girl with no real mom to speak of. I felt sorry for myself on that day. I turned it into the one day of the year that I would dwell. I would dwell on my bad luck with moms. Its not something I did often, but on that day- I would dwell. I would use that day I hated to think of all the people in my life who did have a mom around who cared, and I would wish I was them. Just for that one day I let myself feel the envy that was always simmering somewhere inside, stifled by my constant desire to be happy. It wasn't a good feeling. It always felt terrible being the only one I knew whose mom had voluntarily left her life.  As the years went on, I had myself convinced that when Mother's Day rolled around, I would definitely not have a good day, and I would certainly be miserable. And so I was. For many years, I was.

That Sunday in May gradually began to change for me as I began to grow and change, myself. The pain of the day slowly receded, and little by little I began to allow myself to enjoy it in my own ways. But I would be lying if I said that the ache was completely gone. It was still in many ways a day that represented what I did not have, and every year it was a struggle to mold it into something better. But I continued to try.

As one would imagine, it was becoming a mother myself that altered forever what the day would mean to me. Now I have a reason to celebrate -even better- to be celebrated. I no longer feel left out, like the day does not belong to me. I no longer have to try to make it better than it is. It just is better. Being a mom forever links me to this special day, not sorrowfully, but in the most joyful way possible. I no longer dwell on all that I lack. I revel in all that I possess. Being a mother that has allowed me to recognize the many maternal blessings I did have, and continue to have. I now see the aunts, the grandmas, the mother-in-laws, the moms of friends, all of the women that surrounded me growing up, as what they were to me. They were pieces of the mother I never thought I had. I am now even able to appreciate what my own mom and step-mom brought to my life. So now, on this day I honor these women. I commend these women. It is because of these women that I am all that I am today. Whether it was something big or small that was done, it was something to me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart and my children thank you. I adore being a mother. I was made to be a mother. And I was made by all of you.

<3