My Rat Race

Today was one of those mornings that I will look back on one day and just laugh and laugh about. 

Right? Right???

I sure hope so, because aside from the occasional bitter cackle, laughing is the last thing that I have done today. What happened, you ask? Don't worry, no catastrophic event occured, no horribile news was delivered, no one died. But one of my toddler twins did throw her cereal on the ground, which naturally caused me to break down into tears that ultimately turned into a sob, which finally led to my desperate plea of "What do you guys WANT from me?!?!?" This is normal, right? Right??? OK, maybe I overreacted a bit. But in my defense, I have told that kid about 17 million times not to throw her food on the ground. I think 20 months on earth is plenty of time to grasp the concept. But hey, what do I know? Heres what really happened: I am stressed the fuck out. 

Now before you get all "yeah, yeah, everyone is stressed about something" on me, let me just say, SHUT UP. This is about me. Me and MY stress. This is not about how my stress is better than your stress, or about me asking how you handle your stress. I am not seeking advice, nor am I interested in trading war stories. I get it, we all have our struggles, some more than others. I live most of my life by the "there is always someone out there with it worse than me... be grateful" bullshit.OK fine. Its not bullshit. Its true, and its important to be grateful. Really important. In fact, despite my grinch-esqe tone, gratitude is one of my top priorities in this life. So this whole thing is pretty much blasphemy in my little world.What I am really trying to say is I dont give a fuck.Because, shit! Life is stressful, man. My life gets stressful.I am in charge of a whole bunch of shit. A whole BUNCH of shit. I am responsible for myself. I am responsible for others. I am in charge of feeding, and clothing, and loving, and disciplining and cleaning, and remembering, and getting places on time, and trying to be healthy, and staying connected to my partner, and fuck did I forget to pay the water bill AGAIN?!?, and helping, and playing, and being needed, I'm so fuckin NEEDED, and diapers, and maintaining friendships, my cars oil changes, and my sanity, and don't forget self-care, self care is very important, and doctor appointments, and groceries, and changing the sheets an acceptable number of times a month, and DAMMIT did that kid color on the wall again?!?!, and dropping off, picking up, dropping off, picking up, and keeping people safe, alive, and if I'm lucky...happy, and preparing, and planning, and breathing...and so on....and so on....and so on...Lets not forget that all of these things would go much smoother with a consistent amount of sleep, which I have not had for oh say...the last 2 years. Lets also not forget that all of these things are laced with a steady stream of whining. Usually by my children, but who are we kidding, its very clear who the biggest whiner of all is.

And why shouldn't I whine sometimes? Whyyyyyyyy? Have I not earned the right to a good bitch-fest every now and then? Isn't it possible to vent your frustrations at the trials and tribulations of your life once in a while, and still remain an appreciative, grateful person at heart?

Fuck yeah! 

I say it IS possible. I say I should be able to get that shit off my chest without the constant worry that I am coming off to others as ungrateful or unappreciative. Or even worse, is the nagging fear that I am becoming an ungrateful person by the mere fact that I am complaining. For too long, I have felt an absurd amount of guilt at just feeling what I feel! The fact of the matter is, although my overall outlook on life may be sunny and positive, not everything I feel is going to be sunny and positive. It is ok to feel like shit is wack! Sometimes it really is! Sometimes I feel stressed as fuck. Sometimes I feel like I'm not getting it right, any of it. Sometimes I feel like I've been spending way too long waiting for that magical moment where it will all fall into place. Otherwise known as the MOMENT THAT DOESN"T EXSIST. Sometimes my kids annoy the shit out of me. All the wanting and the needing and the crying and the "mama...mama...mama"..it gets on my nerves. Sometimes I feel so shitty about my kids annoying the shit out of me, that I convince myself I suck as a mom. Sometimes I can't bare to see one more drawer of crap in my house "that I really need to clean out." Sometimes I feel like just living my life is this super elaborate juggling act that I am performing for thousands of people, only I never went to school to become a juggler, never even took a a juggling class. So, I've been teaching myself to juggle as I go along, and sometimes I feel like one of those shitty ass teachers who just pass out handouts every day so they can sit at their desk playing candy crush or drinking booze out of a coffee cup. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, and so tired of chasing my tail day in day out, that I begin to see the allure of running away and never coming back. And some days, days like today... I get to feel all of these things at once. Those days, a piece of cereal on the ground is enough to push me over the brink, until all I can do is cry a puddle of tears onto my children's high chair tray with them looking at me like I'm a lunatic. Which, on these days, I pretty much am. I believe these emotional breakdowns would happen fewer and far between if I would just start allowing myself to feel what I mutha fuckin feel as I feel it. Ya feel me?

Does all of this mean that I don't recognize what a truly blessed existence I have been fortunate enough to lead? Hell no. Does it mean that I don't love, cherish, and value my 3 children more than I thought humanly possible? Nope. It doesn't. It doesn't mean that I am not aware that there are people in this world living terrible realities that I will never have to live, and that there are those who have lost children, who would do anything to hear their child's cry, or the word mama even just one more time. It doesn't mean that I don't value my health and the health of those around me, my opportunities of which there are plenty, and the incredible amount of freedom I have in my life. It doesn't mean that it escapes me for a moment how many things I have to be grateful for. Which is why one day I will look back on that fucking cereal on the floor and laugh.

Right???

**Note**Of course, when abused, this can get really fucking annoying to others, so be advised that I will use this new venting power sparingly.